At what age should a kid get a phone? This is a question we at ITP get often. Opinions about screens and access to phones vary greatly. We would like to offer our therapeutic perspective knowing that it will be one of many voices that may be helpful in deciding the answer to this question that is right for your family.  

Our ideal, perfect world (probably unrealistic) answer- children wouldn't own a smartphone and should wait until senior year of high school or college. The more realistic answer, and the answer that you love to hear therapists give all the time- IT DEPENDS! When first approaching this topic, start off by considering why you think your child needs a phone (not just because they have asked for one a thousand times), the level of maturity they already display, and the pros and cons of giving them access to one. 

First, phones aren't all bad! The majority of teens keep in contact with their friends through texting, and they can be a helpful social tool for your child to feel connected to peers. Research suggests that the omnipresence of phones helps teens make and maintain friendships. They are able to foster their own social networks outside of school or parental coordination, creating a sense of independence. 

 While socialization is great, there are other important factors to consider when making these decisions, like how phones impact our brains. Dopamine is the key neurotransmitter in the reward system in our brains. Phones have been shown to release dopamine with each text, call, like, post, etc. With the internet and social media being an endless source of dopamine, people (not just children) continue to chase this “dopamine high”, needing more screen time or “just one more minute”. Children’s brains are ill equipped to handle all the power that comes with the smartphone. It can be incredibly difficult to redirect them away from it. Some of you may have already experienced the arguments, the difficulty of getting them off their phone to do their school work, or the decreased focus when having a conversation. 

By setting clear and firm boundaries when you give your child a phone you will help your child develop more self-control over these devices as they get older; and they will hopefully instill their own boundaries with devices when they become young adults. Some example boundaries and parameters could be: 

• Set a time kids have to turn their phone in each day

• Phones should be charged outside their bedroom/ not used as alarm clocks 

• Set social media time limits

• Passwords for everything are given to parents

• Create a rule that phones can be checked at any time

Making decisions on a child’s phone use isn’t just about the difficulty of limiting their screen time; safety is also a major consideration. As mentioned, phones can be a helpful social tool, but constant access to texting and social media increases the risk of children experiencing cyberbullying. Phones also increase potential interactions with strangers who may or may not be who they say they are. Have conversations with your children about internet safety. This can include rules about only following or friending people on social media and online games who they know in-person (even if the other person is claiming to be another child/teen). Talk to kids openly and honestly about sexting, sextortion, and not sharing pictures of their body with anyone. If you think your child is too young to have these conversations, then your child is also too young to own a cell phone. These conversations are necessary for their safety (even if it makes them uncomfortable). Teach your children when and how to block and delete people. Most of all, let them know when to ask an adult for support. Let them know that you are there for them if they experience interactions that make them feel uncomfortable- from unkind words in a group chat of friends to a stranger asking for personal information. 

Having a cell phone requires a lot of responsibility. A smartphone is a privilege, not a gift, and certainly not a right. Set clear expectations. Such expectations can be getting to school on time, completing household tasks, maintaining a certain GPA, being involved with extracurricular activities or volunteering. Discussing how owning a phone is a privilege with expectations, prior to giving them a phone, versus threatening to take it away if they don't do x, y, or z will make a big impact on how your child will receive the message. Still be prepared to have some consequences when they do break the rules, but be even more prepared to provide rewards and incentives when they are adhering to the rules and boundaries. 

You may feel that your children need a phone to be able to communicate with you, but they may not be ready for a smartphone. Opt for a traditional, old fashioned phone or flip phone that can call and text without access to the internet or apps.  This way, children can communicate with you if basketball practice is canceled or they want to be picked up from a friend’s house early. Most children have access to a tablet, gaming device, or a laptop to be able to do what they like with their friends. Again, even with these devices, there should be expectations and clear boundaries. Another idea, if you aren't ready to give your child a phone, would be to communicate with your child’s friends’ parents to all agree that none of you will give your children a smartphone until high school. This will decrease the amount of social pressures you will have. You don’t have to do it alone!

If you decide to give your child a smartphone, use technology to your advantage to monitor what they are doing. Many cell phone carriers have their own apps, and there also third party apps, such as BARK, that can help monitor what your child is doing and send you warnings when there is a concern. You can also head over to Common Sense Media to review ratings of games and apps. I recommend reviewing each app to see which would be most beneficial for your family.